Here’s an open letter from Republican presidential candidate Herman Cain….well, at least the one that I believe he’d like to write, especially after a fourth woman has come out accusing Cain of sexual harassment:
To the American Public,
Just a few weeks ago, I was worried. I couldn’t figure out how to sell books or command higher speaking fees, and I’d been nothing more than a political wannabe trying to get on the map. My campaign managers then helped me realize that insulting Black people is a great way to rise in the polls, especially as a Republican. Sure, a few Black folks might be offended, but we learned long ago that what Black people think really doesn’t matter all that much, unless you’re talking about dance moves, the latest slang, or how to find the closest hip-hop club.
First, I began by letting Black people know that they are all brainwashed by the Democratic plantation. Black folks are not smart enough to think for themselves (except me, of course), so I wanted to help them by suggesting that they let myself and Rick Perry think for them instead. I also made it clear that racism isn’t a significant impediment to your ability to succeed in this darn fair country of ours. White Americans have been very nice to us, and all we do is complain, complain, complain. I went to Morehouse, so I’m Black enough to make this statement: Stop playing the race card, get off your lazy butts, and pull yourself up by your bootstraps. Black scholars like Cornel West don’t like me because I keep it real with you people. I’m kinda like Moses or Jesus, leading the lost negro sheep and your wooly afros to an abundantly better reality.
My comments might be offensive to some, but I don’t want lazy Negroes using racism as an excuse for the reasons that Black people are several times more likely to be incarcerated and twice as likely to be unemployed as whites. If everyone worked as hard as I do, they would also be able to realize their wildest dreams, like receiving an endorsement from Mississippi Governor Haley Barbour. Haley wants what’s best for Black people and he truly respects me; he even keeps a statue of me on his front lawn wearing a jockey cap. I love the ground that man walks on, really I do…..nobody betta be talkin ’bout my Haley Barbour.
Not long ago, I made another statement that might have taken some less forward-thinking people aback. I wanted the spineless hippies in the Occupy Wall Street Movement to realize that if you’re not rich and you don’t have a job, you should only blame yourself for your pathetic circumstances. The wealth gap in our country has nothing to do with the gap in your empty-ass, hippy, pockets. The same thing is true for Black people….if you simply put down your kool-aid, learn to read and take the gold teeth out of your mouths, you’ll find that there are plenty of opportunities for you to be just like me.
Well, since I made my previous statements, I’ve learned a few things. A few nameless bit&@%es….I mean, women, from my past had the audacity to completely fabricate multiple stories about me harassing and fondling them on the job over and over and over again. They may have been paid a settlement to remain silent, but I had no idea that this money was being paid out of the bank account of the organization under my control. They’re all liars I tell you….all four of them….and anyone else who comes out to support their story is nothing but a liar too.
Of course, the liberal media wants to murder my chances to become the first authentically Black President of the United States. It’s all racism, fa real dawg. All these haters just wanna see a brother go down, and this is nothing more than a high-tech lynching, committed by Facebook and I-phones; a conspiracy to take down a Black man who was smart enough to get off the plantation. We as Black people have survived numerous atrocities in this country that President Barack Obama’s African ancestors never experienced: the devastation of the middle passage, the horrors of slavery and the sexual harassment allegations against myself and Clarence Thomas. When is the terror going to end?
Racism should not be used as an excuse for any other Black person, but I am an exception to the rule…..kinda like a chosen negro if you will. I am allowed to play the race card because the rules don’t apply to me…..sorta like Clarence Thomas using affirmative action but then saying that it should be abolished (he too is a chosen negro, my brother in the struggle, ordained by Bill O’Reilly). I am different from others who use the race card because I only use it when it is being CORRECTLY applied. There’s clearly a difference, and you’d understand that if you weren’t so brainwashed by da man.
Haley and Rick and Mitt and George all tell me that Black people are just brainwashed into believing things that aren’t true, and they also tell me that if I don’t want to be brainwashed, I need to be sure to recite the Republican message in public every chance I get. They too tell me that I am special, unlike those brainwashed Black people on the Democratic plantation. I believe these smart men because mama tells me that stupid is what stupid does and life is like a box of chocolates.
Also, I take absolutely no responsibility whatsoever for the numerous sexual harassment allegations thrust against me by multiple women who were paid on repeated occasions to remain silent. They are all lying….just trying to hate on a playa on his rise to the top. I got 99 problems but a white woman ain’t one.
Here’s the deal: I am a victim of racism, but you are not. You have to take responsibility for things that happen to you, but I do not. I am the chosen negro, and that’s why white people love me, and not you. If you weren’t so brainwashed by the Democratic plantation, you would understand what I’m saying. My campaign manager explained to me the difference between the Jews and the Palestinians, so I am now officially qualified to be your president. Please don’t let these bigots keep me out of the White House.
Your Future Commander-in-Chief: Herman Cain