Act Like a Brother, and Think Like a Man: Should You Have Sex on the First Date?

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Ree, The (Ree)lationship Guide recently wrote a very nice article on the reasons that it isn’t wise to have sex on the first date.   While the article was very good, I also wanted to give a man’s perspective.   It seems that there are times when we put too much weight on women to make all the hard decisions (no pun intended), but I wanted to explain why men may also want to think twice before accepting access to any sex organ offered by a pretty girl.

Here are some reasons why it might not make sense to have sex on the first (or second, or third) date:

1)      Because you don’t know a thing about this person

Bell Biv Devoe once famously told you to “Never trust a big butt and a smile.”  Well, far too many brothers are quick to think that a beautiful woman can do no wrong.  Before you know it, you find out that she’s crazy, vindictive, diseased or something worse.  Taking time to get to know a person before you risk sharing your fate with them might be the first critical step in Survival 101.

2)      There is value in protecting  your seed

The sex organs given to you are not just there to give and receive pleasure.   Actually, the power of sex is built on the idea of creating life.  So, if you are not prepared to spend your life raising a child with the person in front of you, you might not want to share your valuable baby making organs with that person.  Sure, you can wear condoms and all that, but remember that most babies are created by accident. That means that, in the midst of all the planning and preparation that people claim to do in order to keep from having kids, newborns keep popping up anyway.  The only way to make sex completely safe is to be careful about when, where and with whom you do it.  This is not a religious thing, it’s a common sense thing.

3)      Child support can really, really suck

Over the course of 18 years, I paid enough child support to fund the next mission to Mars.  Giving away a big chunk of my check to take care of my child wasn’t a problem.  Rather, it was the fact that I had no say in where the money was going.   Unfortunately, too many brothers end up either broke or in jail over child support problems, after spending their twenties populating half the earth. You might feel like you’re “tha man” when all the women are coming after you, but you won’t feel like the man anymore when it’s time to pay the piper (see broke former NFL superstar Terrell Owens as a great example).

4)      It may end up killing you

It’s one thing to die from HIV after getting it through a blood transfusion or from someone you love.  It’s another thing to get it from the person with whom you had the drunken one-night stand.   Not that catching HIV is ever fun, but there are some situations that are clearly avoidable, and sleeping with someone you don’t know means you may be taking on a lifetime of baggage without even looking inside the suitcase.  If you don’t know anything about the person in front of you, then you should not be having sex with them.

 5)      It may NOT kill you

For some reason, the panic over HIV has led a lot of people to forget that there are a gang of other STDs that won’t kill you (at least not right away).  While the HIV epidemic has gotten most of the headlines, there has been an explosion in the number of people catching HPV, Herpes, Chlamydia, Gonorrhea, Hepatitis, and all the other diseases that go “bump” on your sex organs.   While any kind of sexual activity can put you at risk (even in a marriage), your risk declines a great deal if you are selective in choosing your partners.

The fact is that we live in a complex and sometimes dangerous world.  Sex is the deep abyss that many people keep hidden from those around them.  There are millions of people who engage in all kinds of freaky activity and never even go to the doctor between flings.  When you sleep with someone too early in the relationship, you are rolling the dice, and if you keep rolling, it’s only a matter of time before you crap out.

It’s OK to respect your body.

Dr. Boyce Watkins is a Professor at Syracuse University and author of the forthcoming book, “The RAPP Sheet: Rising Above Psychological Poison.” To have Dr. Boyce commentary delivered to your email, please click here.

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