You don’t know who I am nor would you give a single damn if you did given my place in our current tax bracket. But you and I both know that your campaign is about as hot in these streets as a cassette copy of “Please, Hammer, Don’t Hurt ‘Em.” So in light of the debate, I’m here to give you some advice. Take it because it beats what you’ve been getting, if I do say so myself — and I do.
Will a strong performance magically alter your state in the race? Political BFF Chris Christie would like to argue so, but most with significant knowledge of political history suggest otherwise. Sucks, right? Oh, well, we’re all here to play along, though some play better than others. See the state-by-state polls.
By the way, regarding the recent pledge you made to “fact check” PresidentBarack Obama, dude, look the man in the mirror and ask him to change his ways before you even dare critique another.
2. Don’t attempt zingers.
I read that you’ve been itching to channel GOP patron saint Ronald Reagan, and infamous debate lines, such as “there you go again.” To that I say: no squared. Not only are you about as funny as an eviction notice, but even if you managed to muster half a fraction of legitimate humor, you would be outdone by the naturally funny President Obama. I mean, knuck if you buck, though you’re tempting humiliation.
3. Embrace the specifics.
Yes, debates are more about style versus substance, but you don’t seem to have much of that (see above), so maybe, just maybe, you might want to throw the American public a bone and not speak a bunch of meaningless generalities for an hour. I imagine many of us have “The Real Housewives of Miami” and “Tiny & T.I.: A Family Hustle” backlogged on DVR. Don’t give us more reasons to switch, Mittens.
Don’t do it.
4. Have an explanation for the “47 percent” comment.
You know it’s coming, so this time, try to prepare a response that actually makes sense. Also, try to appear very, very sad in the eyes. See Droopy the Dog (pictured right) for guidance on how to do the anti-smize.
5. Try not to say something crazy that the Obama campaign will turn into an ad 45 minutes after the fact.
Remember when you suggested that immigrants could “self-deport?” That was, by far, one of the stupidest comments ever uttered in this election cycle – quite the feat in a primary race between a corporate pizza man, a half-assed historian with a God complex, a subpar George W. Bush, and a woman with crazy eyes only outmatched by her crazy tongue.
6. Keep Ann Romney in the back.
She really doesn’t handle criticism of you well, and the last thing you need is her ordering one of your servants to smack the taste out of debate moderator Jim Lehfer’s mouth.
P.S. Before you even think about it, don’t bother trying to do a silent tribute to her by being condescending as all hell. It’s not attractive on her and even less pretty on you.
7. Brag about Romneycare.
I’m serious. Yeah, it’d be a flip-flop, but hasn’t that been the theme of your campaign? Might as well switch to the one thing you did that actually worked in the state you governed. What do you have to lose? Oh, the election, huh. Well, you’ve been doing that already, so go on…rep your policy.
8. Don’t make any on stage bets.
Do you recall the time you tried to goat Gov. Rick Perry into a $10,000 bet during a Republican presidential debate and he wasn’t foolish enough to fall for it? Now imagine how Obama would respond.
You don’t get a tip nine or 10, because I’m not on your team and I’m not voting for you.
But since I’m doing this out of the goodness of my heart, you can’t say that a Godless immoral liberal never tried to help you.
Michael Arceneaux is a Houston-bred, Howard-educated writer and blogger. You can read more of his work on his site, The Cynical Ones. Follow him on Twitter: @youngsinick