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white house petitions

President Barack Obama had the best of intentions when under the White House’s “We the People” initiative: Any person with Internet access can petition the White House on any matter, and if a petition gains 25,000 signatures, someone from the Administration would have to respond.

It didn’t take long before it became clear why we can’t have nice things.

One of the more popular petitions to get attention in recent weeks was one involving the potential construction of a Death Star. If you’re unfamiliar, that is a reference to the “Star Wars” franchise, and yes, I want to pour water on the keyboard of anyone who signed that foolish petition too.

Still, it reached the 25,000 goal, resulting in the official White House response:

The Administration shares your desire for job creation and a strong national defense, but a Death Star isn’t on the horizon. Here are a few reasons:

  • The construction of the Death Star has been estimated to cost more than $850,000,000,000,000,000. We’re working hard to reduce the deficit, not expand it.
  • The Administration does not support blowing up planets.
  • Why would we spend countless taxpayer dollars on a Death Star with a fundamental flaw that can be exploited by a one-man starship?

Shout out to the White House’s patience levels.

RELATED: Scenes From The 2013 Inaugural Ceremony

There are other petitions you can see on the site that are equally as silly, such as the “Recount the Election!” petition.  And while some are worth some thought — albeit perhaps more so from the IRS than the White House — on whether the Church of Scientology and the Westboro Baptist Church deserve to keep their tax exempt statues based on numerous accusations about each religious group’s habits, those are far and in between.

Instead, more often than not, there are dimwitted calls for secession or Sen. Diane Feinstein (D-CA) being assailed for “purportedly” violating her oath to the Constitution by legislating like a normal senator knowledgeable of the way government works.

Speaking with Mother Jones about the simpletons who have wrecked havoc over a good idea to give the public at large a better shot at advancing their interests, one White House staffer said, “If you had told me a year and a half ago that the White House would be devoting time writing [an official statement] on how ‘Lord Vader’ could fix our economic woes, I would have just laughed loudly at you.”

Another White House staffer gave it straight, no chaser: “Sometimes, I find myself thinking, My God, what have we done?”

Don’t blame yourself, anonymous worker bee of the White House. Blame the folks who should have their Internet privileges stripped, or at the very least, strongly monitored.

It’s they who’ve soiled it all. Then again, you could take this all as a sign that we really have got to get back to talking about jobs because it’s pretty evident that so many people have too much time on their hands.

Whatever the case, the White House has since decided to up the ante as it pertains to what is worth acknowledgment: 100,000 signatures. That probably won’t change much as it’ll only prompt the crazy to scream even louder. But as Obama plans to make better use of the bully pulpit and the millions of supporters whose names are still nicely tucked into the database of his campaign-turned-non-profit, some of your kin have got to shut up with their antics.

Like, I totally get why people want to know why we never got additional seasons of “A Different World” or “Living Single” on DVD, but keep that brand of dim off the White House’s site and take that nonsense where it belongs: Facebook.

Michael Arceneaux is a Houston-bred, Howard-educated writer and blogger. You can read more of his work on his site, The Cynical Ones. Follow him on Twitter: @youngsinick

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