UPDATE: Gay Soldiers Are Just Not That Into You

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black-soldiers

A lotta brothas feel themselves way, way, way too much.

For lots of reason, the lives of homosexuals do not concern me as I have noted both recently and in the halcyon days of tweed. Still, recent comments regarding gays in the military have filled me with enough vim and vigor to address this yet again.

I understand if a person does not actively support homosexuality; if you have particular feelings in that regard, my only real concern is that you don’t allow your point of view to infringe on the rights of others. If gayness gives you the willies, so be it.

Again, I’m not into that particular point of view, but I get it. Personally, I’m pretty much not allowed to go hard in the negative direction because I know too many people who I like who happen to be gay. In fact, by virtue of theatre being my family’s business, I’m friendly with so many people who I later found out were gay that I’m just too lazy to reverse field now.

So in short, you feel how you feel, but I can’t help but believe some of that feeling needs a good degree of tempering.

Lots of guys in general and Black dudes in particular, are so worried about these faceless gay predators lurking in the detergent aisle at Walgreens or possibly sending a lingering gaze in their directions while they get their goatees shaped just right and I’m just not sure why that is. A truth that I must reveal, not for the gays but really for those palpitating hearts so worried about losing their manhood to a cunning and seductive gay arch-villain:

You’re probably not that attractive and your johnson is probably not magical.

Sorry.

Since I feel like some of you may, in fact, be in a semi-catatonic state, I’ll revert to bullet points for easy reading.

  • FACT: Gay men like what hetero women like.
  • FACT: Every hetero woman on earth is not into you.
  • FACT: Most hetero women are likely not into you.
  • FACT: You’re probably (hopefully) of average attractiveness
  • FACT: Your penis is likely of average size
  • FACT: You are likely of average swerve (if you’re lucky)
  • FACT: Gay men like what hetero women like.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if women who like men don’t like every man they see, it stands to reason that men who like men don’t like every man they see. It likely breaks down pretty evenly.

Actually, I take that back.

The average man–of average looks and unmagical penis–has an exponentially greater chance with a heterosexual woman than with a gay man. I’m sorry if I just shattered anyone’s “I hate gays because I don’t understand men liking men and I just know they think I’m cute and that bothers me tremendously” universe, but it’s true.

Call me what you will, but I’m flattered when a gay man is into me in a reasonable and respectful way, just like I appreciate when a woman does so. If a woman skanks herself out, I bristle. If a dude were to get inappropriate, we’d probably have a misunderstanding. Why? because my people boundary had been crossed.

In short fellas, you can rest easy. You’re probably not that great.

Um…No Brokeback!

——-

OPINION: If Gay Soldiers Can Shoot Straight, Let Them Serve [10/13/2009, 1:15p.m.]

If you’re a man who has sex with men, I don’t care about your life.

I shrug.

If you want to get hitched, I watch you tell me that and move on with my life. Why? Because it doesn’t affect me. I don’t care if two men or women want to get married in the same way I’m not particularly moved at the news of two random heterosexual people getting married.

Maybe I’d feel differently if I had some particular religious agenda–though I doubt that considering my fail-safe of “what you eat don’t make me shit.”

When gays getting married adversely affects my life in some way, then perhaps, I’ll get all fired up–not because they’re gay, but because I’m a small person who doesn’t like to feel like any particular group has the drop on him.

Otherwise? I shrug.

But when it comes to gays in the military, I frown. I furrow my eyebrows and get righteously indignant. In this regard, gays could be adversely affecting my life. How? By not being in the military and using their training and talents to keep me and my liberties safe.

If someone of the gay persuasion, despite what this country has offered him or her in the span of their lives, wants to take up arms and defend this country, why wouldn’t you let them do that openly?

I’m not a doctor or anything, but, from what I’ve read, gays are people capable of soldiering and according to the chronicles of people who have traveled to gay locales around the world, gayness isn’t something you can catch.

Are heterosexual troops such beacons of officerliness and gentlemanliness that the supposed depravity of homosexuality is really just unbearable? The instances of sexual assault say otherwise.

What’s the Army’s angle here exactly? “Listen fellas, we know our objective is to win and protect and be all victorious and shit, and yeah we’re supposed to be a nation of diversity and all that jazz, but we would be super keen on you guys keeping that gay shit on the hushity-hush.”

Maybe I’m not in charge of the military for good reason.

*Soldier comes in to Jon’s office. Jon is perusing some papers, preparing himself for a pull-up contest with a lieutenant from C Company later in the afternoon. The soldier stands nervously at attention*

SOLDIER: Sir?

JON: Yes, private?

SOLDIER: I have something I feel like I have to tell you.

JON: Sit down, son.

SOLDIER: I don’t know how to say this sir…I’m gay.

*JON takes off his glasses and rubs his eyes*

JON: I see. Can you shoot straight?

SOLDIER: Sir?

JON: Can. You. Shoot. Straight?

SOLDIER: Yessir. Marksman, sir. Picking up Arabic too.

JON: Okey doke. Good talk.

Exeunt

We would really rather monitor gayness than get the job done? Rather than just call homosexuals godless faggots as they really want to do, the Army tries to couch their concern with stability. The logic seems to be that the presence of openly gay people in the military will weaken it because the gays do funny bedroom things and our personnel are trained killers who aren’t developed enough as human beings to set their personal beliefs aside for the good of military cohesiveness and, in the larger sense, America.

An army of one indeed.

Jonathan Pitts-Wiley is a news aggregator and contributor for The Root. You can check out his personal blog at pittsindeed.wordpress.com and follow him on Twitter at twitter.com/pittswiley. Jonathan currently resides in New York City.

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