If you haven’t read my favorite book of all time, Toni Morrison’s Tar Baby, then click off this post and find something else.
This isn’t the post for the arrogantly ignorant to turn opinionated.
But if you hate Beyonce just because, well, a lot of people hate Beyonce… stay. If you’ve read Tar Baby that is.
You’re probably already outraged that I’ve mentioned Toni Morrison and Beyonce anywhere within 10,000 words of each other, but if you’ll allow me to, I’ll make my point.
Tar Baby, as the initiated know, is the story of a top young model named Jadine that’s burned out in her game so she drops in on the aunt and uncle that raised her while they continue in the employ of a rich white couple in the Caribbean.
While Jadine’s on the island, a fugitive named Son is hiding in the same house with her, her aunt and uncle, and the white couple.
Son sneaks into Jadine’s room at night and fantasizes about her.
Ultimately caught, Son’s candor and earnestness impress the older white man who invites Son to stay, and against all of her own conventional wisdom, Jadine falls for Son.
Because of the chance that some of you folks might not have read Tar Baby and are still reading this post, I’m not gonna play spoiler and tell you what Son’s done that’s made him a fugitive, but I will round out the cast and give you a director.
As Son I wanna see Larenz Tate—and it would be about time. This would be the best role for that brother since he got jerked by not even garnering an Oscar nod for Menace II Society.
As Jadine’s aunt and uncle, Ondine and Sidney, I want Phylicia Rashad and Louis Gossett Jr. (Lou’s got an Oscar. Don’t front on him).
For the older white couple, gimmie Dustin Hoffman and Diane Keaton—two favorites.
And to direct this chumpie gimmie Woody Allen.
Calm down, I know you’re screaming for my head on a pole, but follow: Woody Allen is the master of getting females Oscars. He got Diane Keaton 1, Diane Wiest 2, Mira Sorvino 1, and Penelope Cruz 1.
Also remember: the last time a Jewish man directed a movie based on a book by a Black woman, Steven Spielberg’s take on Alice Walker’s The Color Purple garnered 11 Oscar nominations.
Mad respect to Alice and Steven, but they can’t touch Toni and Woody.
And like her or not, who better than Beyonce to play a burned out superstar that’s experiencing a midlife crisis in her mid twenties?