Holiday Mess: Fights, Feuds, And Foolishness Are On The Way
A Complete Guide to the Holiday Mess: The Fights, Feuds, and Foolishness Headed Your Way
Holiday time means everyone is home. I know, I know. This is supposed to be a good thing, but let’s be real, having babies home from school, Mama and Daddy home all day, and in-laws in town means that there is way too much time for arguments. Below is a look at all the fuss-fights that will happen during this holiday time.
Who stole my plate?
We already know that foil over the top of the plate is supposed to work like a security system or a vault, but what happens when someone steals the whole damn plate? Chaos. That’s what ensues. There is a full-on investigation, including crime tape around the fridge, witness statements, fingerprinting, and finger-pointing. Sadly, much like crack in the 80s, there is a plate thief in every family. There are families this year who are sitting right next to the plate thief and have no idea.
Who touched my remote?
I know that the living room remote control feels like community property, but it’s not. It’s the man of the house’s remote control, and that’s only because the woman of the house allows it to be. She’s the boss, and he knows that, but during this time when the lord has blessed us with sports almost every day, you can expect to hear “Who touched my remote” because there is no way for extended guests to know where the remote’s home is on normal days. Which leads to the next unbreakable rule…
Who Turned My Game Off?
Fam, you might as well walk upstairs with your church shoes on and jump all over the bed with the level of disrespect you have in your heart. The ancestors have declared these times “sports days,” and I’m not sure what emboldened you. Maybe it was a short stint in local lockup or the growth spurt over the summer, but you have lost your damn mind thinking the living room TV is going to have a Hallmark movie on during these times of togetherness.
The Thermostat War
Whatever you do for the love of our god, Beyonce, when you are in the House of Derreon, don’t touch the thermostat. Yes, someone is hot. And, yes, someone else is cold. And, also yes, there is a device that could do something about it, but no one can touch it lest they be prepared to get out.
Seating Arrangements During Thanksgiving
I understand that during the rest of the year you are technically a 32-year-old person with a mortgage and children and thoughts about the election, but you are still your parents’ baby and as such you are going to be sitting with the rest of the “Baby-adults” wherever they can find a space on the couch because you still haven’t made it to the elder’s table. Sit at the clergy’s table at your own risk, but be prepared to get cussed out.
Who’s Not Helping Clean Up
Why do you act like you have a maid service in this house? All week, you have been entertaining, and now that the kitchen looks like a prison mess hall, you are nowhere to be found. You’d better get off your hind parts and get in this kitchen and clean up. Not cleaning is the fastest way to hear about how things were when your parents were children.
Who Gets to Take Home Leftovers
There is always one cousin who makes a full plate, puts it in an aluminum foil, and then comes back and makes a second plate to eat. The aunties have tried nicely to explain to the cousin that’s not the way to create a to-go plate, but he’s willing to defend his abstract process, which last Thanksgiving almost led to a full-blown hostage situation.
Holiday Shopping Strategy
You have to set this plan in place long before Black Friday arrives. Because if you walk into someone’s room talking about “They got Labubus at Target for $4!!” at 3 in the damn morning, you can expect to get cussed out.
Politics
This should go without saying, but I don’t know why there is always one family member who, during this divisive time, is set to fix their lips to say something like, “I don’t like Trump, but he was right when he said…” This person is also the person who moved the remote and took someone’s plate.
Who’s Hosting Next Year
This actually sounds like it would be a nice and easy conversation, but this conversation is tricky as it usually comes from the host yelling, “Fine, Shirley! Next year you can host Thanksgiving at your house!” This comes out of the host growing tired of Shirley’s ass nitpicking every little thing. As the host doesn’t care how Shirley hangs her hand towels in the bathroom or how she makes alcoholic eggnog from scratch.
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