While much of America is still wondering what the hell Candace Owens does exactly, the Dolores Umbridge of the Sunken Place thinks she’s trending on Twitter because “America” wants her to be the next Supreme Court Justice now that Justice Stephen Breyer is set to retire.
Now, before you all start laughing yourselves into a mini coma, it’s possible that is one of the reasons she’s trending. After all, President Joe Biden has pledged to nominate a Black woman for the position and most white conservatives literally only know one Black woman they wouldn’t mistake for a Target employee despite her not wearing a red polo and khakis.
(Also it’s not like one needs legal experience or any other qualifications to be a U.S. Supreme Court justice besides being 35 years old, born in the U.S. and a heartbeat. After all, America is so “exceptional” one could actually work at Target on Monday and be in a position to set legal precedent from the highest court in the land by Wednesday.)
But only melanin-deficient people who think showering daily is a government conspiracy because big pharma is injecting vaccines into their soap want to see Owens on the bench—the rest of us just want her to GO TF AWAY! But since that isn’t likely to happen anytime soon, I’ve taken the liberty of compiling a short list of jobs she’d actually be good at and is well-qualified for.
1. Clarence Thomas stand-in.
Like most people, I’m sure there are days when Justice Clarence Thomas doesn’t feel like going to work. Now, I don’t know if justices get sick days or PTO, but if not, Thomas can just have Owens sit in his spot and mumble a bunch of anti-Black sh** white people love to hear and no one would even notice he was ever gone. (White people even think Black people from House Negro Depot all look the same, so it just might work.)
2. Minnie Mouse porn director.
Owens might think she’s only trending because white people think she’s smart enough to be a justice when she’s not even smart enough to judge a Pepsi/Coke challenge (she’d just see two brown sodas and say, “This is clearly Critical Race Theory”). But she’s also trending because she was recently on Fox News whining about Disney temporarily putting Minnie Mouse in a blue and black polka dot pantsuit instead of her classic red and white polka dot skirt.
Owens called the change—which, again, is not permanent, according to Newsweek—an attempt to “destroy fabrics of our society.” But we know what her gripe is really about—the destruction of the spank banks of weirdos who seemingly really just want to put their heads up Minnie’s skirt.
I’m just saying, there’s a PornHub category for everything and Candace might as well go ahead and capitalize.
3. M&M pimp for Tucker Carlson.
Listen, Tucker Carlson clearly wants to have sex with an M&M (he wants them to melt in his mouth and his hand). That’s the only possible reason why he’s so deep in his feelings about the brown M&M cartoon being “less sexy” because she’s recently been depicted wearing low heels and tennis shoes instead of high stilettos.
Clearly, Carlson is jonesing for some brown candy skin even though he doesn’t seem to be very fond of Black and brown people, and that makes Candace perfect for him since she’s basically a white supremacist in a brown shell. But Owens is still human (I guess) and not cartoon candy (again, I guess), so Carlson is probably not going to want to make sweet chocolate love to her. And since Owens co-signed his saltiness over the M&M cartoon design change while she was whining about Minnie’s pantsuit, it seems that a perfect job for her would be finding M&M ladies who have ended up on the street after losing their way in life and put them in a pair of stilettos and display them for Carlson and his weird-a** fetish. (I’m not judging, though.)
4. Black friend for hire.
This one is pretty self-explanatory. White people get caught saying or doing something racist and they need to conjure up a “Black friend” to vouch for their claims that they don’t have a racist bone in their bodies. (Somewhere in the world there are bigoted skeletons wandering around waiting for their owners to claim them. See, there’s one now—wait, sorry, that’s just Candace Owens.)
Listen, I can go all day listing the perfect jobs for Owens (diversity hire crash dummy, Clayton Bigsby fashion line model, negro scrub-away ointment manufacturer etc.). But we all know she’ll never sit on a U.S. Supreme Court bench. I mean, what’s next, a reality TV host and professional bankruptcy claimer with no governing experience becoming president?