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Dude, it was clear that you weren’t a player when you gave your side chicks your main cell number. Then you admitted to cheating. Why on earth did you do that? There are hit songs about never admitting to cheating! Now, even if your woman does want to stay, you’ve got to get rid of her.

If she did stay, the lesser of two evils would be that you’d lose respect for her. You’d wonder how she could know everything that she knows and still stick around. I mean, she ain’t Hillary Clinton. She ain’t running for president of Sweden in 4 years. So what’s her logic? Invariably, you’d start cheating on her again. She’s already shown that she won’t leave.

Of course, the more likely reason that she’d stay would be to light you up. Hope you didn’t have any enemies, dawg. I’ve read how you and Phil Mickelson ain’t exactly simpatico. You better hope he’s not the kind of guy that cheats on his wife. Otherwise, get used to picturing him and your wife in weird and compromising positions.

And forget about your enemies; what about your friends? I hope you don’t trust Michael Jordan farther than you can throw him! Your wife would be an upgrade over the kind of stuff I’ve seen Jordan trotting around with lately. And Barkley! Lord, please tell me that you don’t trust Charles Barkley!

Kobe Bryant’s about as simple-minded as you are and also about as talented. Don’t you remember how after Kobe got caught going backdoor commando in Colorado, his wife broke up the old Lakers by flirting with Karl Malone? You think she’s stopped flirting?

Your wife would be getting it in, my man, and here’s the worst part about that: she’d be totally justified!

And dude, the thing is; it wasn’t as if you were smart enough to have a fetish for Black girls or be secretly gay—two instances against which your wife would have been helpless. But you went after the same exact woman as your wife, again and again and again. And I’m not the biggest fan of the looks of one Ms. Elin Nordegren, but she is way hotter than all of your side-chicks. She’s gotta be furious.

The bottom line is, you should never ever ever ever cheat. But if you do and you don’t even have the decency to lie, you’ve gotta be the one to leave.

Your friend,