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Ann Coulter

Ann Coulter (pictured) is the kind of person who makes you question your vow to never wish ill on on a person. I don’t especially care whether her schtick — which is essentially being as offensive as possible to the delight of crotchety racists in need of a wet dream — is genuine, but I can say that if there is indeed a hell, I’m willing to chip in on making sure she gets a first-class ticket to that destination. More, I hope her hell is her being locked inside of a room with minorities of every hue and enough gay people to fill a pride parade. Then, each “other” can take turns throwing greens’ juice in her face while singing old Negro spirituals remixed with Mariachi.

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I wish I could be more mature when discussing her, but then again, not really.

She, or at least, the character she portrays for wealth, is evil. Regardless of how you feel about “hashtag activism,” in the case of #BringBackOurGirls it is very much centered on the kidnapping of underaged girls. Girls forced in to marriage, sold as slaves, or any other atrocity you can imagine that, for the decent human being, ought to make one think, “Maybe I shouldn’t be a jackass and mock this.”

But alas, decency is not what makes Ann Coulter, Ann Coulter. So she decided to “satirize” the hashtag about the Nigerian girls who’ve been seized by terrorist group Boko Haram by putting up the hashtag #BringBackOurCountry. That’s so funny I could spit on a Confederate Flag and hand it to her as a bath towel. 

I’m sure some nitwit racist got his or her jollies from it, and to be fair, Twitter collectively clapped back at Ann Coulter’s most-recent display of disgustingness. Still, I can’t help but think, Why won’t you stop being so awful even if temporarily? Not everything deserves mocking, especially not underage children being held against their will.

Just on Tuesday, Mariah Carey released a new single called “Thirsty,” and the chorus — albeit simplistic — pretty much nails what Ann Coulter and so many like her are: “Uh, ya thirsty. Uh, ya thirsty. Uh, ya thirsty. Uh, ya thirsty. Uh, ya thirsty. Uh, ya thirsty.”

Thirsty for attention.

Thirsty for fame.

Thirsty to be an *sshole.

Thirsty to spread misery.

Thirsty to be controversial.

Thirsty for media coverage.

Thirsty to bump your ratings up for hate-speech-related events.

Thirsty to be discussed ad nauseum.

I’m almost annoyed with myself for even giving Ann Coulter anymore attention, but I just can’t help it. What kind of person enjoys being miserable for profit? What makes him/her that way?

I’m curious but dually weary that it’s contagious, so perhaps it’s best I never find out the how and why. All that said, I hope this insufferable shrew finds peace one day. That is, one day. In the meantime, I wish Elijah Muhammad speeches would haunt this hate monger in her dreams from now until Sasha Obama gets married. Or she can just fall straight through a trap door.

Whatever’s clever.

Michael Arceneaux blogs at thecynicalones.com, tweets at @youngsinick, and praises Beyoncé’s name everywhere he goes.

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