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‘Twas the night before Christmas and all through the newsroom,
Not a creature was stirring, not even a broom.
And we all know how much a broom may have been needed,
So here we recount all the gifts that should be received…ded.
(Look, I tried to make it rhyme. Cut me some holiday slack.)

“POLITICIANS” (I use that term generously.)
In order of ubiquity..

barack_obama

Barack Obama: I’ll admit, I was tough on the guy. But considering the admirable amount he’s accomplished/achieved/undeservedly won in the year so far, Santa should bring him a nap. And, just ‘cuz I’m an ass, maybe a decent foreign policy too. Just sayin’…

michelle o

Michelle Obama: She went from being a high-powered example of a “militant, angry Black woman,” to being Black Martha Stewart, with her vegetable gardens and hug-handouts all in one year. I’d like Santa to deliver Michelle some cute ballet flats and a list of all global issues affecting women. She can get crackin’ on that in 2010 since 2009 was mostly fluff.

sarahpalin

Sarah Palin: Groan. Santa, all I want for Christmas is for her to actually go rogue. Like lose her mind and get lost in some Alaskan wilderness where, in a tragic turn of irony, she is consumed by the very wolves she hunts. Oh, but this is about what they should get. In that case, a couple brain cells should do the trick. Maybe a copy of Strunk & White.

michaelsteele

Michael Steele: As my brilliant colleague pointed out, this guy will not shut his mouth. In the interest of brevity (ha), he should get THIS done to his face. Thanks, Big Guy!

rush

Rush Limbaugh: Rush has been so so bad this year that he truly deserves nothing but a lump of coal. Actually, I take that back. He oughta get a cease & desist order sort of like the one he sent to bloggers everywhere. HA! (Inside joke. *chortle*)

desireerogersDesiree Rogers: Her 2009 story was the biggest “much ado about nothing” tale of the year. But, for good measure, Santa, she needs a lesson on “making a list & checking it twice,” from a real expert. Hook her up.

ENTERTAINERS & ATHLETES

tiger-woodsTiger Woods: He’s only been in the headlines since Thanksgiving and the sheer magnitude of his tomfoolery has landed him at the top of every single “Best & Worst of 2009” list. St. Nick, Tiger might find it useful to have a sit down with Dr. Drew and maybe a few heavily spiked cups of egg nog. ‘Cuz dude’s about to have a crappy 2010.

Ziegfeld TheaterKanye West: West gets the “Biggest Idiot of ’09” award. But I’m a writer. And I need things to write about. Kanye provided a hell of a lot of material, lots of laughs, and he singlehandedly propelled Taylor Swift’s career into “real legitimacy,” so you know what? Give the guy another bottle of Hennessy!


sportsdeathSports & Hollywood (& everyone else): From the deaths of Steve McNair to Chris Henry, to legendary coaches in all American sports, plus stars like Farrah Fawcett, Patrick Swayze and, of course, MJ, this year was a grim one. So I’ll drop the snark here and just say: Santa, bring all these families, and families everywhere who struggled with losing loved ones and tough economic times, peace, positivity & prosperity in the coming year.

..Oh, and since I have your attention, I’m a size 8, my favorite color is green and I will gladly accept all gifts in the form of personal check or money order. Thanks!

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