Congratulations to the Carters for the recent addition to their group. Beyonce and Jay-Z are great performers as a duo, so I have no doubt that the trio will be just as stunning. Still, here are five things that annoy me about the Beyonce and Jay-Z baby drama:
1) Is this the second coming of Baby Jesus? No, it’s not. When Blue Ivy Carter was born, I expected the North Star to shine prominently and for Three Wise Thugs to show up at the Manhattan hospital looking for her. I’m really, really hopeful that the Carters themselves don’t buy into the idea that the birth of their child is the most significant event in human history.
2) Shutting down an entire hospital wing? Give me a break: Some of us can partially understand the need to protect the Carter family from an ever-so-hungry media salivating over the chance to get just one photo or video clip. But if any of the reports are true about Beyonce and Jay-Z shutting down a massive chunk of the maternity ward, then I am angry for the other parents. The last thing I’d want to see if I were trying to deal with the stress of a newborn child are bulky security guards telling me where I can come and go. This is silly, disrespectful and pretentious.
3) The lies and rumors: Did Beyonce have a surrogate? Did they rent out private helicopters to fly in custom-made, solid-gold baby booties? The rumors about this child’s birth have been beyond outrageous, and I’m sure that a few years from now, Blue Ivy will be amused to read about how crazy the world went over her birth. By then, she’ll be 100 percent celebrity, wearing sun glasses to kindergarten, and sporting a weave as long as her body. Children are already born thinking that they are the center of the universe. This poor child actually has reason to believe it.
4) The lies in response to the lies and rumors: Beyonce and Jay-Z have announced that they had a natural birth, but they never really explained the video where Beyonce’s stomach dropped like my grandmother’s face when my daughter got her first tattoo. The family has maintained their “silent, yet mysterious” disposition on almost every front, seeming to want the attention that their child is getting, while pretending to dislike it.
5) Blue Ivy’s million-dollar-marketing plan: Beyonce used her pregnancy to steal the show at the MTV Music Awards the way a single man borrows his neighbor’s puppy to pick up pretty girls. Then, of course, Jay-Z had to release a song right after the baby is born. Pretty soon, Blue Ivy will be in the studio busting rhymes with her daddy; well actually, Jigga did use her voice on the audio already. So, put that on the “already did that” list. The only thing left is for Kanye West to bust into the maternity ward and demand that everyone acknowledge that Blue Ivy is, in fact, cuter than the other babies. Kanye’s latest outburst has been scheduled for next week.