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Now that he’s given a nanny all of his money and he’s realized that yes, the N-Word does apply to him, the only redemptive thing that Tiger Woods could possibly do would be to invite Serena Williams to a barbeque.

Think about it: Tiger literally can’t afford to mess with another woman that’s not in his economic stratosphere.

Also, he’s now finally seeing all the true colors of his former friends and sponsors, men and women he probably would have preferred to think had no color, just like he’d always tried to convince himself that he had all the colors.

So now that the media has made Tiger finally and irrevocably Black, he should settle in and enjoy it, much like Godfrey Cambridge did in the movie Watermelon Man.

We’re not that bad, Tiger. Our idiots are certainly no worse than the idiots of other races. Plus, when looked at objectively, our team is probably about the hottest team going.

Obama just ended a war.

And you know what else? Name your top 5 MCs. Even if you got Eminem in there, I’ll bet you the other four are…guess what?

Name your favorite basketball player, your favorite football player, probably your favorite baseball player, name yourself as your favorite golfer and now that we’ve gotten to tennis, let me make my point:

I know Serena Williams isn’t your typical “thing”. That’s only evidence that you’ve had horrible taste in women.

You could have just paid for homeless women to get implants since it’s clear that’s the only thing you were interested in other than white skin.

But wait: watch your golf game return when you’re dealing with another champion. And not only that, watch your level of Black respect skyrocket when you’re seen on the arm of Ms. Williams.

It’ll be nothing like the respect you’re used to. The respect you currently get is for doing something no one’s quite interested in better than anybody that nobody’s ever heard of.

You’ll notice how ordinary Black people—you know, the kind of Black people that you’ve always been afraid of—will dap you up and give you approving nods whenever you’re out with your new lady.

And in the end, you’ll have a whole bunch of new friends.

37 million of them.

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