NewsOne has an exclusive from one of our spies in the new White House: the text from George W. Bush’s confidential letter to President Barack Obama…
From 43 to 44
Hey Barack the Magic Negro, that’s what my buddy Rush calls you. Congrats on winning the election. How’d you do it? Did you fix the voting machines like I did in 2000? Good luck running the country. I sure messed it for you. Hopefully history will look as kindly on you as it will on me.
Could you do me a favor and win the war in Iraq? I still have the mission accomplished banner. Maybe you could have another surge or kill some of Saddam Hussein’s relatives and put their bodies on TV. I hope you ain’t related to none of to none of those guys.
Could you also give more tax breaks to the rich? Me and Dick are looking to buy a small island and call it Real America. Don’t worry about it, I’m sure the money will trickle down. We’ll have to hire some black butlers and Mexican gardeners.
This is one tough job tho, Mr. Magical Negro. Do you know you only get two months of vacation a year? How the hell are you supposed to relax. If I were you, I’d just buy a baseball team, that way you’d only have a few hundred thousand angry sportsfans mad at you when you mess up rather than a million angry citizens.
Those little briefings you get every morning are actually important. I usually skip them and go straight to the sports section. There was one I got about seven years ago warning about a terrorist attack from al Qaeda. I think I used it to make one to make a paper airplane to throw at Rumsfeld.
You should also read the whole briefings and not the headlines. I got another one 4 years ago that said Hurricanes to Hit Louisiana. I thought it meant that the university of Miami was Playing LSU in football. Do you know that some people actually care about poor, black people and expect this country to take care of them?
If a country ever pisses you off you can just say they have WMD’s and harbor Al Qaeda. By the time they find out you were lying, you’ll already be at war and you could tell them we have to stay the course.
I heard you were thinking of putting a basketball gym in the Whitehouse. Make sure you have some room for a dodgeball gym too. That way you can practice for when the Iraqis start throwing shoes at you.
Do you still have that toga and turban you wore in that picture? I was thinking maybe you could go undercover in Afghanistan to get Bin Laden. Make sure you tell em I gave you the idea. That way history will realize what a brilliant decider I was.
Make sure you speak in short soundbytes, like ‘Bring em on,’ ‘smoke em out’ and ‘let’s get ready to rumble.’ I never got a chance to use that last one so you could use it.
Make sure you give all the reporters and foreign leaders good nicknames. They’re easier to remember. I’m thinking Soultrain O’brien and Machmood I’m a Dinner Jacket. I’ve even got a nickname for you Barack Yo Mama huh huh.
Sorry about the economy. Thank god everyone I know is too rich to be affected. Just keeping on giving more tax cuts to the rich and it’ll work itself out.
If you could give me some tips on that negro magic you used to win the election I’d appreciate it. I’ve got a little Mexican nephew we’re thinking of running in a few years. Maybe we could call him George the Wonderful Wetback.
Anyways Barack Yo Mama the Magical Negro, good luck, you’re going to need it.
George W. Bush(The Decider)