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From the minute that he called himself a ‘Cablinasian’, I knew there was something wrong with that dude. Not only is ‘Cablinasian’ a made up word and nuttier than if he had called himself, say, a ‘Martian’ (something I’ve actually heard of), it’s also misleading and even by his own definition, well, wrong.

The word itself is supposed to represent Tiger Woods in all of his diverse ethnicity. The ‘ca’ part is for his Caucasian side, the ‘bl’ for his Blackness, the ‘in’ for the American Indian in him and the ‘asian’ represents his Asian heritage. The problem is that with a Black father and a Thai mother, I can’t find a Caucasian or an Indian anywhere! Tiger, however, not only found the Caucasian in himself, but he put that part at the forefront of his identity.

The first thing you see when you look at the man on paper is the ‘ca’. The first (and possibly the only) thing you see when you look at the man in the flesh is the ‘bl’. And Bl people have had a pretty contentious relationship with the guy ever since he unfurled his own genotype.

And it’s too bad that Tiger’s a Cablinasian because if he’d been Black, he would have almost instinctively known what to do next, or he could have at least drawn inspiration and guidance from two of today’s greatest Black leaders: Kobe Bryant and R Kelly.

You see, instead of sitting around wasting money at a spa that’s supposed to be curing him of his ‘sex addiction’ (dig: when alcoholics get cured, they can never drink again; when drug addicts get cured, they can never do drugs again; what happens when sex addicts get cured?), Tiger could have followed the path of our great leaders and gone out and did what it was that made us love him (a stretch, I know) in the first place.

That’s right; after R Kelly’s sex scandal, he released The Chocolate Factory, one of the greatest R&B albums in recent history. After Kobe Bryant’s sex scandal, he played 6 straight seasons of MVP-caliber basketball, culminating in his Lakers winning last season’s NBA Championship. Tiger Woods just had a sex scandal that will probably end up costing him $300 million in payments to his soon-to-be ex-wife. Somebody better turn Black soon.

But maybe Tiger doesn’t need to be completely ‘Black’. Maybe he can get by with just being ‘Blaucinasian’.

Whatever the case, he needs to go out and win some golf tournaments. And then afterwards, he should serve the fried chicken.

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