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They never learn, do they? Not to have sex with people you are not married to, that is. That is what they (elected officials) did not learn, in the 2000s. Who were they trying to have sex with? Literally everyone.

13. Capitol Hill Pages

Oh, boy.

The entire year of 2006 was actually fucking insane. 2008 was on a bigger stage, and it had Palin, but 2006 marked the actual point at which the modern Republican party melted down. Like, for good—you think this “Tea Party” thing is the work of a coherent political entity? It is some terrible new deconstruction of the concept of having a coherent political ideology.

Mark Foley was a congressman from Florida. He liked steamroom. He was a Republican. He sexted, on the AIM, with underaged, male Senate pages. He twice drove to the page dorms in the middle of the night and was turned away by the Capitol Police. Various House Republicans, including Denny Hastert, knew about his proclivities for years, but did nothing until AIM transcripts leaked onto the internet.

He resigned, and he took the majority leader with him. It was pretty hilarious! Also Ann Coulter voted for him illegally. All of this broke in October before the midterm elections.

So, no more page-fucking, guys! It is bad news, for the party!

12. Hookers

Just, don’t have sex with hookers, ok? If you are an elected official, obviously. If you are like, just some guy, then do what you want! We don’t care!

But having sex with a hooker made poor New York Governor Eliot Spitzer have to resign from being governor, and that was like the only thing he was good at! (Except that he was never actually that good at it.)

Having sex with hookers (allegedly while wearing diapers!) made Louisiana Senator David Vitter not run for governor, too! (Though, weirdly, he never resigned.) (Also then there was some airport rage but that was not very sexy.)

11. Rielle Hunter

Do you want a classic example of exactly the sort of person you should not sleep with, as a politician? How about a crazy drug-addled new-ager hippie party girl who goes by five different names and who was the basis for a character in a Jay McInerney book? And you know how you really shouldn’t carry on this affair with this woman that you really, really shouldn’t sleep with? By hiring her to produce “web video shorts” for your presidential campaign after you meet her at a bar, then carrying on an affair with her that is so obvious that Page Six picks up on it, then getting her pregnant, then getting caught sneaking into a hotel to visit her by National Enquirer reporters, and then have a staffer who is basically in love with you claim paternity of the love-child.

Well, John Edwards did all of this. Oh, we forgot to mention that your wife shouldn’t have cancer during all of this.

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