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After watching the VMAs—or better yet, watching the reaction to people watching the VMAs on Sunday night via Twitter, I realized that I am a visitor to your planet. I’m not exactly sure where “I’m” from but I’m fairly positive it can’t be here. The opinions that come out as the general consensus here on your lovely orbiting blue rock confuses, baffles, and on occasion makes me literally yell out the words “Seriously guys? EFF’ING SERIOUSLY?”

Example of a comment I saw:

“Will.I.Am was in BLACKFACE! He’s setting black people back!”

Um…what? Will.I.Am is a lot of things: annoying rapper, mediocre producer, but black folks setter backer? I don’t think so. Mr. I.Am was trying to be all artistic and he dressed up in “all black everything.” That’s it. It’s not like when Ted Danson showed up to the Whoopi Goldberg roast in blackface. That was over the line which begs the question: Would it be racially insensitive if a white guy did it? I don’t know. Possibly. Depends on how said white guy did it. Will.I.Am, on the other hand, also had a plastic flattop on! He was dressed like the black tin man and folks acted like he wore a sign saying “Obama is a socialist! I want my country back!” It’s not always this deep. Sometimes a costume is a costume.

Then we have Chelsea Handler. A lot of people didn’t care for her racial jokes. I personally wasn’t insulted by Ms. Handler at all. I saw one reviewer note that she said “Let’s look at the big black elephant in the room” when referring to Kanye. So? As a white performer is she not allowed to acknowledge race at all? Perhaps it’s because we’re both comedians. Maybe I’m being more forgiving because I know these are gags. A white girl bringing in guns to an event because security didn’t check her is humorous; it’s based in what a lot of blacks say all the time. Comedians are supposed to say comedic-type-things. She rode off the stage on a moped with cholesterol in a can…I mean, Rick Ross! That’s comedy, people. You may not find it hilarious but it’s obviously not said from a position of bigotry.

If anyone should be offended it should be the cast of Jersey Shore but luckily being referred to as disgusting and filthy is nothing new to them.

Then there’s Kanye.

I’m not sure how to approach this without getting death threats from Kanye fans. I wasn’t really that impressed. I wasn’t disgusted (for disgust see Nicki Minaj’s performance at the Pre-VMAs) but I wasn’t amazed at his magical abilities. I heard some say “HE MIXED A SONG ONSTAGE!” Actually, he didn’t. He had some notes and some vocal ad libs on the mixer and he pressed buttons but he didn’t MIX a song on stage. “HE WAS WEARING A RED SUIT LIKE RICHARD PRYOR!” Yes, and like Suge Knight. What’s your point? Mr. West is good at creating spectacle and that’s fine, but pretending as if he’s a genius because he owned up to his terrible faux pas last year is ridiculous.

So I’m going to go make my aluminum hat and wait for the mothership to come pick me up. I’m hoping wherever my home planet is we don’t have the VMAs. Or a Tea Party. Or okra.