In today’s episode of What Would Jesus Do…For A Mavado? a Kansas City, Missouri, pastor has apologized to his congregation for calling them “poor, broke, busted, and disgusted” all because they didn’t pool their hard-earned money together to buy him a high-end watch.
Pastor Carlton Funderburke of Church at the Well Kansas City was caught on a now-viral TikTok video delivering a sermon on Aug. 7, when he apparently caught the Roley Ghost and started chastizing working class people from the pulpit because they weren’t doing their part to put some glow on his wrist so he can stunt on these ho—ly parishioners.
“I’m not worth your McDonald’s money? I’m not worth your Red Lobster money? I ain’t worth your St. John Knits? Y’all can’t afford it no how,” Funderbroke…I mean, burke, is shown asking in the video. “I ain’t worth your Louis Vuitton? I ain’t worth your Prada? I’m not worth your Gucci?”
But he wasn’t even close to being done yet.
“Ooh, you can buy a Movado at Sam’s [Club] and you know I asked for one last year,” he continued. “And here it is all the way in August and I still ain’t got it. Let me kick down the door and talk to my cheap sons and daughters.”
I’m not sure which is more disturbing—the fact that this pastor is begging for a watch he apparently can’t afford to buy himself and, at the same time, calling his congregation out for being “broke,” or the fact that members of said congregation are heard amen-ing his “balling for Christ” nonsense. Funderburke is just lucky I’m not a church-going resident of Kansas City, because I would have roasted that man from whatever pew I was sitting in.
I can hear myself now:
“BRUH, I KNOW T.D. FAKES AIN’T OUT HERE BEGGING AND TRYING TO CALL PEOPLE BROKE AT THE SAME TIME! HELL NAW I AIN’T SPENDING MY MCDONALD’S MONEY ON YOU! I’M FINNA GET THIS DOUBLE QUARTER POUNDER WITH CHEESE IN THE NAME OF THE LAWD BEFORE I SPEND ANY OF MY COINS ON MARTIN LUTHER BLING-BLING OVER HERE! NOW EXCUSE ME WHILE I DRAPE MYSELF IN GUCCI WHILE CREFLO CAN-I-BORROW-A-DOLLAR SWEATS THROUGH HIS WALMART ROBES! ABOY—BECAUSE YOU CAN’T EVEN AFFORD THE ‘MEN,’ BRO! YOU. CAN’T. AFFORD. A. MEN!!!”
Anyway, whether it was a result of public shaming or the good pastor’s own conscience, Funderburke eventually came to glory on how loud, wrong and unholy he was being and he issued an apology to his congregation.
Funderburke said in the apology video clip that his behavior during the sermon “does not reflect my heart or my sentiment toward God’s people, yet, that’s not discernible in the clip.”
“Therefore, I offer this sincere apology to you today,” he continued. “No context could erase the words I used. I apologize to all the people that have been hurt or angered or anyway damaged by my words. For those who know and love me, thank you for your support. For those who now know me because of this video clip, I regret that your first impression of me is one of anger, hate, and resentment.”
Forgive him, Father, for he knows not what time it is because Kirk No-Banklin can’t afford a good watch.
I think that’s how it goes.
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