Some would say the judicial branch of the United States government is broken, but in a landmark decision today that continues its legacy of pummeling progress and trampling on equality, it is clear that it’s functioning exactly as intended—and stronger than ever.
In a move that stunned no one paying attention, the U.S. Supreme Court has joyfully unleashed its wrecking ball of justice to obliterate the pesky affirmative action admissions policies of Harvard and the University of North Carolina. It’s truly a monumental victory for those conservative activists who believe that the Constitution should be “colorblind.” Because, you know, ignoring centuries of systemic racism is clearly the best way to promote fairness and justice.
Make no mistake about it, the SCOTUS’s mission is to transform this nation into a time machine, where we can all relive the glory days of backward policies and perpetuate the same old inequities.
Oh, behold the illustrious former President Donald Trump graced us with his presence to partake in the right-wing celebration and declared, with utmost sincerity, that it is indeed “a great day for America.”
Well, if by “great” he means regressive, shortsighted, and perpetuating the same old inequalities, then sure, it’s a fabulous day indeed.
Who needs substantive discussions and thoughtful analysis on social and racial justice issues when we can simply rely on the sagacity of Donald Trump to guide us through these tumultuous times? His eloquence and insight are unmatched, after all.
Let us all take a moment to appreciate the intellectual prowess of this extraordinary statesman as he joins the chorus of like-minded individuals, patting themselves on the back and reveling in their shared sense of superiority. Because nothing says progress like a good old-fashioned dry-handed right-wing circle jerking with the synchronized motions of ideological alignment. Let’s take a moment to appreciate the audacity of their self-assuredness, their self-deluded swagger, half-baked ideas passed off as the holy grail of intellectual achievement. Victories against racial justice always inspire a breathtaking display of unwarranted confidence among this ilk.
Gather ‘round, my friends, as we witness this political orgy where the air is thick with the fetid stench of unwavering conviction and the palpable libidinal excitement of intellectual stagnation. For in this sacred ritual, ideas are not challenged, perspectives are not broadened, progress is but a distant dream and critical thinking takes a backseat to comfortable conformity.
And don’t get me started on Chief Justice John Roberts, the ultimate skeptic of race-based policies and the beacon of enlightenment in a sea of intellectual confusion. His scathing rebuke of race-based admissions policies is truly a masterpiece of logic and reason. Or at least, that’s what he would have us believe. Allow me to dissect his arguments with all the snark they deserve.
According to Roberts, universities have made a grave mistake by considering an individual’s identity to be influenced by the color of their skin. He boldly proclaimed that too many universities “have concluded wrongly, that the touchstone of an individual’s identity is not challenges bested, skills built, or lessons learned but the color of their skin.”
How silly of those universities to think that challenges overcome, skills built, or lessons learned have any relevance in shaping a person’s character. Clearly, the true measure of one’s identity lies solely in the melanin content of their epidermis. How foolish of them to consider personal growth and achievements as important factors in admissions decisions.
Oh, and let’s not forget, according to Roberts, that the nation’s great “constitutional history does not tolerate” the audacity of valuing diversity and striving for equality. Apparently, America’s founding fathers, in their infinite wisdom, left us a hidden message in the Constitution that explicitly states, “Thou shall not value a person’s character, abilities, or accomplishments when thou can simply judge them solely by the color of their skin.” Did y’all know that was the true intention all along?
Oh, the brilliance of Chief Justice Roberts!
His penetrating insight into the complexities of identity and the historical significance of our Constitution leaves us in awe. Surely, we ought to all bow down before his profound declaration that treating someone differently based on their skin color is as unacceptable as, say, treating them differently because they come from a city or suburb, or because they play the violin poorly or well. How could we have missed such an obvious comparison? Because, you know, living in the suburbs or playing the violin poorly is completely comparable to centuries of systemic discrimination. Thank you, Chief, for that brilliant comparison.
But wait, there’s more!
Roberts asserts that both affirmative action programs lacked “sufficiently focused and measurable objectives” to justify considering race as a factor in admissions. Because, apparently, the experiences of discrimination and the impact of race on an individual’s life can’t be considered valid enough reasons. No, no, universities must stick to “application essays or other means” to determine if race had any effect. Because we all know that systemic racism can be accurately captured in a 500-word essay.
Oh, how fortunate we are to have such a visionary chief justice who can see beyond the need for diversity and equality. Roberts has spoken, and we must heed his words with reverence. After all, what do decades of precedent and progress mean when we can simply roll them back to satisfy a conservative agenda?
Three cheers for Chief Justice Roberts for his enlightening arguments. May we never forget that the touchstone of one’s identity is not their accomplishments or resilience, but simply the color of their skin. Because, in Roberts’ world, true equality can only be achieved by conveniently ignoring the realities of systemic racism and perpetuating a system that benefits the privileged few.
I must admit, I’m not even angry about this ruling. How could I be? It’s just another step in the right wing’s master plan to colonize higher education, one of the last remaining strongholds of intellectual discourse and critical thinking. Who needs diversity and inclusion when you can have a monotonous echo chamber of privilege?
After all, this country has never been truly committed to fairness, racial justice, and equality. It’s merely a pipe dream that we occasionally indulge in before reality comes crashing down. Whenever progress is made, you can bet your bottom dollar that a racist whitelash is hot on its heels, ready to ensure that the status quo remains firmly intact.
Because heaven forbid that white folks feel their work, income, and opportunities are threatened by racial others. So, what’s the solution? Let’s close those doors of opportunity and let the sweet scent of discrimination waft through the air. It’s positively life-affirming for the racists, who can now revel in their newfound confidence in their own humanness.
Yes, my friends, this decision is a cause for celebration for conservatives and racists. It’s yet another sign that America is being made “great” again. Because apparently, greatness is achieved by denying equal opportunities to people based on their race alongside reveling in the destruction of Black bodies, attacking critical race theory, whitewashing history, criminalizing educators, banning books, and foreclosing opportunities to people of color as part of a long American heritage of pleasure and psychic renewal.
So, let’s raise a toast to the Supreme Court, to conservatism, and to the joyous feeling of superiority that comes with crushing the hopes and dreams of marginalized communities. After all, who needs progress when we can have a heaping pile of racism served up on a silver platter? Cheers to a great day for America, indeed!
Dr. Stacey Patton is an award-winning journalist and author of “Spare The Kids: Why Whupping Children Won’t Save Black America” and the forthcoming “Strung Up: The Lynching of Black Children In Jim Crow America.”
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