Source: Google Maps / Getty
Welp, good people, we’ve finally seen the thugshots—sorry, mugshots we’ve all been waiting for. We’ve seen the scowls, frowns and wicked smiles of all 19 political gangsters accused of trying to carjack democracy in Georgia to keep the Godfather of their organized crime family (they don’t call him “the Don” for nothing) in the Oval Office, despite the demonstrable fact that Donald Trump lost in a free and fair election in 2020.
Now, since the mugshots of Trump and many of his accused affiliates have been released, social media has erupted in a celebration of jokes, memes and changed profile pics, but it is important that we pause our mocking of these hoodlums we should all be clutching our purses around and take time to look at a critical and professional analysis of what these photos taken by Fulton County’s finest say about what’s possibly going through their minds at the moment a jail photographer snapped their pictures.
Fortunately, I happen to hold a master’s degree in White-evil-ology as well as a bachelor’s in Trump-won-SIKE-ology. And today, I’m happy to share my expertise and, hopefully, take you inside the MAGA-manipulated criminal mind.
Let’s start with the first crop of mugshots released earlier this week.
When I first viewed this Shady Bunch array of mugshots, the first thought that came to mind was that former Georgia Republican Party Chair David Shafer is smiling the way he is because he knows he’s planning to snitch—but little does he know that former Trump attorney Jenna Ellis has already pre-snitched. (*DUN dun DUNNNNNN*)
But taking a closer look, I’m not so concerned about Shafer’s smirk. Sure, Shafer is now using his mugshot as his X profile pic, which would indicate he’s proud of it. But I’m pretty sure he just remembers chuckling a little when the photographer told him to “stand up straight and stiffen up a little,” and he replied, “That’s what she said!” Ultimately, it’s a pretty harmless grin. I’m much more concerned with what’s going on in Ellis’ photo.
OK, assuming Ellis didn’t just pay someone at the Fulton County jail to photoshop her LinkedIn profile pic onto her mugshot, it seems she’s trying to send the message with this arrogant ear-to-ear smile that she knows law enforcement has nothing on her and she’s not the least bit afraid of these trumped up charges.
But you have to look into her eyes to see the true insidiousness hiding behind her mask.
Her smile might be saying, “I’m unfazed and unbothered,” but her eyes are saying, “YOU BASTARDS!! After I get out of here, I’m going to call the police on a Black person for barbequing without a permit just to make myself feel better AND THEN, I’m going to get you all back for this if it’s the last thing I do!!”
Meanwhile, ex-Trump attorney Sidney Powell looks like she’s trying to smile a little to convey the same message as Ellis, but her entire facial expression sends only the message that the edible she took earlier that day has just kicked in.
I can’t tell if Trump attorney Ray Smith is thinking, “It’s all over and I’m telling on everybody but I’m going to feel really bad about it” or “It rubs the lotion on its skin or else it gets the hose again.”
Let’s move on to former NYC Mayor and Trump attorney Rudy Giuliani.
Giuliani’s mugshot has to be up there with the most satisfying of the bunch, especially if you were ever an NYC resident. You just know all the mobsters Giuliani prosecuted in the ’80s have his mugshot blown up to poster size and hung up on their walls. John Gotti is rolling around in his grave only because he’s upset he didn’t live long enough Giuliani mugshot memes on Instagram. Black and brown people are just wishing he got subjected to stop-and-frisk before being slapped in handcuffs—but we know that didn’t happen.
Giuliani’s facial expression says one thing and one thing only: “I want to be Penguin in the next gritty Batman remake so bad!”
Honestly, I don’t know why Giuliani is out here trying to look thugged out for the camera as if he didn’t once have a man arrested for assault after lightly tapping him on the back. Giuliani is clearly trying his best to look menacing but he’s really just giving frail grandpa who’s not even quite sure where he is at the moment but he knows he’s frustrated about it. (Either that or he’s thinking, “I bet it was Sidney who ate my edible.”)
In fact, as folks on social media have pointed out, they all kind of look like DC comic villains.
But where’s The Joker?
Oh…
Nah, but seriously, I’m not sure if Trevian Kutti—who, along with fellow MAGA house slave Harrison Floyd, is accused of engaging in a campaign to harass and intimidate Black election worker Ruby Freeman—is auditioning to play Jack Nicolson’s role in a remake of The Shining, or if she’s also going for the unbothered look. If it’s the latter, she is just trying way too hard.
I mean, she must have stayed up all night practicing that look. She wanted to be a meme so bad.
https://twitter.com/myronjclifton/status/1695093643097604560
Kutti wants attention with this mugshot. The former R Kelly and Kanye West publicist must be afraid everyone has been referring to her as “Who?” and she just knew she had to get herself back in the limelight—and if she has to smile like she’s the Grinch when he thought up his plan to steal Christmas from all the Whos down in Whoville, so be it.
Meanwhile, Floyd looks like he’s just sitting there wondering why he’s the only alleged Trump conspirator who’s being held without bail.
Perhaps this is the Black Voices for Trump executive director’s n*gga wakeup call.
Last but certainly not least, we have the YUGE mugshot you’ve all been waiting for.
Honestly, I’m surprised Trump didn’t do like some of the others and practice looking less miserable for his jail photo. I mean, geeez, where’s that famous, chin-heavy smile of his that gives him one of the most punchable faces in the history of obnoxious and entitled white men who need to run us this fade? It’s hard to tell if Trump was going for sympathy here or if he wants everyone to think he has pinkeye. (Seriously, why does his right eye look like that?)
Trump looks like he made the photographer wait 20 minutes until he finished crying before taking the snapshot. Trump just can’t believe it has come to this. I mean, he sees himself as a 6-foot-three 215-pound septuagenarian man-boy in a 35-year-old’s body with baby hands. He probably can’t believe he’s being tried as an adult.
Honestly, Trump doesn’t look angry. He looks sad, embarrassed and terrified. It’s almost as if he’s afraid he’s actually going to be convicted and jailed—or like he’s just now discovering his mouth looks like a butthole. (Nah, bruh, don’t try to flatten out them bird lips now!)
I hope you have all found this to be a helpful and informative pseudo-psychological analysis.
Now, LOCK THEM ALL UP!
SEE ALSO:
‘N*ggas 4 Trump’: Video Shows Black MAGA Zealot Outside Jail Claiming Ex-President Should Be ‘King’
After Being Booked, Trump Disingenuously Invokes Stacey Abrams’ Name For ‘Doing The Same Thing’
