Tucker Carlson, a host at Fox News, aka Republican Viagra Network, is, for whatever reason, randomly circling back to an old gripe he has with rapper Cardi B. Yes, Carlson is just being weird at this point. No, Cardi did not send for Carlson before he decided to come for her. Yes, it is as clear as day that Carlson’s love life is a case study for the ultimate definition of “vanilla sex.” (Actually, Ben Shapiro has been holding that spot down longer than he’s ever held down any of his wife’s spots, but for the purposes of this article, it’s Tucker.)
Anyway, apparently, Carlson is big-fake mad that Cardi will be making an appearance on an episode of Baby Shark’s Big Show! on Nickelodeon.
“So you’re a fuddy-duddy if you note that American culture is becoming, like, not really culture anymore,” Carlson said on his show, the Daily Beast reported. “It’s like a lot of growling and sexless talking about sex. And if you think it’s an overstatement, check out this song from someone calling herself Cardi B.”
Carlson then played a clip from the music video for “WAP”—which was released nearly two years ago.
Has Carlson been caught in a time warp? Why is he introducing Cardi B like she’s a new artist and WAP like it’s her debut hit single? Does he expect that Cardi will be whipping out her WAP on the kids? Just what does Carlson think a Baby Shark is exactly?
And WTF does Cardi B have to do with “American culture?” What the hell does Carlson think American culture even is? Does he think Cardi’s milkshake is going to bring all the MAGA hats, spiceless food, twice a month washclothless showers, apple pie, and negro oppression to the yard?
“So you watch something like that and probably your first thought was, ‘Man, I want my kids, my little kids, to get a lot more of Cardi B,” Carlson continued. “Like how can they experience Cardi B and the Cardi B lifestyle, because obviously, that’s not bad for them or anything. They’re not going to wind up in rehab or as hookers.”
First of all, WAP is just basically a song about women who like sex. And if that’s what Carlson means when he talks about “the Cardi B lifestyle,” well I have some bad news for the Fox News host who hasn’t changed his hairstyle since Howdy Doody—a lot of little girls are going to grow up to be women who will *gasp* like sex too.
Anyway, this couldn’t be the same Tucker Carlson who not long ago was whining about female M&M cartoons being “less sexy.” Let me find out Carlson is just projecting his sexual frustrations on Cardi because that “melt in your mouth” WAP ain’t WAPing like it used to.
It’s worth noting that Carlson has been griping this same gripe since the song first came out.
After Carlson’s latest fit of “missionary is kinky enough” rage, he turned to the sunken place commander-in-WAPlessness herself, Candace Owens.
“I think for the first time I’m actually going to defend Cardi B here,” Owens said. “It’s not Cardi B’s fault that she gets a phone call from Nickelodeon executives asking her to do this.”
Now, in case you’re thinking miss MAGA-mammy is giving a rare display of decency—Nah, Owens’ defense of Cardi came with a backhanded insult of the “Bodack Yellow” artist’s intelligence.
Owens went on to say that while Cardi “doesn’t possess the intelligence” to understand how she’s being used, “these executives know exactly what they’re doing…(which is) to further corrode culture.”
First of all, I know white people’s favorite “Black friend” who has been white supremacy’s favorite sockpuppet for as long as we’ve known her name and lack of edges ain’t talking. I just know Owens isn’t talking about anyone not having the intelligence to see how she’s being used.
Secondly, I’m pretty sure Nickelodean’s agenda is to gain ratings by featuring a popular celeb, not to “further corrode culture.” (Candace being given a talk show had already done that.) So, how exactly is Cardi being used?
Owens previously joined Carlson in complaining about “less sexy” M&M brands and about Disney putting Minnie Mouse in a pantsuit instead of her classic red and white polka dot skirt. She literally called the change an attempt “to destroy the fabric of our society,” while not possessing the intelligence to do the five minutes of Googling it would have taken to know Minnie’s new threads weren’t a permanent design change and that they were created by a French fashion designer to mark Disneyland Paris’ 30th anniversary.
Anyway, Candace and Carlson are weird as hell and Cardi should continue not giving a f**k what either of them think.